Fifteen days had gone by, no even a glimpse of him. I hadn’t been brave enough to go and find him. I knew where he lived, and I knew what his routine was like the palm of my hand. I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t been able to speak to him, but I knew exactly why he wouldn’t.


I have perfectly adapted myself to Galway, my English had improved considerably and I had a bunch of friends to hang around with. Alcohol and poor judgment became my way of leaving. I missed Darren and that literacy part we shared. And one night, my missing became so desperately impulsive that I went after him.


It was open-mic at the King’s Head (A famous Irish pub) Darren Loved singing. He had that unique way to show how talented he was. He loved literature, theatre, music and the most important thing about him, he believed in love… Unfortunately I got into his life. I entered the bar and went through tables looking for him. I simply couldn’t find him. But it was Wednesday night, he should have been there!


- You called his name.
- Darren, I didn’t mean it that way.
- I know, that’s why it hurts me even more, you heard my voice, you smelt my perfume, and even though you thought I was him.
- I was distracted. I didn’t know what I was thinking.
- Really? You didn’t. Well, let me tell you then… YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT HIM! For god sake, we had been through this fucking conversation thousands of times. You said you had forgotten about him.
- Well, maybe I didn’t! (I yelled at him. And then, I realized what I have done).


I could not understand how fool I had been that precise night. I was still there at King’s Head drowning myself with alcohol. I was deceiving myself, I was pretending to have been there for him, been hurt by him, and been truly in love with him. I went back home so confused, involved in my all thoughts. I entered my room and saw Alex asleep. I thought I could wake him up and let him know how I felt, but I remembered the last time we spoke.



- ¿Hiciste, qué?
- Lo llamé Toño. Pero no fue a propósito, ni siquiera sé por qué lo hice.
- No sé, ¿tal vez porque sigues pensando en él?
- ¡Yo ya no pienso en Antonio! (Le grité enojado)
- Sí y supongo que eso te lo repites cada vez que sales a la calle a dormir con alguien de quien después no recuerdas ni el nombre.
- No tienes ningún derecho a juzgarme Alejandro.
- Ni tú de hacer lo que haces. Al menos no con Darren. No sabes lo que él está dispuesto a hacer por ti.
- Pues tal vez eso no me importe, yo nunca le he pedido nada. Nunca le he hecho esperar nada de mí.
- No, tienes razón. Tú no quieres nada que no venga de aquel estúpido que arruinó tu vida. ¿O qué? ¿Ya se te olvidó lo que te hizo Antonio? ¿Ya se te olvidó por qué tuviste que salir del país? ¿Por qué te has pasado estos meses tratando de olvidarlo y lastimando a la gente que pudieras en verdad interesarle? Gente real, Erick, gente no te va a humillar de todas las formar que lo hizo él. Mucho menos Darren.



I said nothing. He was completely right. Every word he said to me that night hit me very deeply. So I decided not to wake him up. I turned on my lap top and surfed the net for hours trying to avoid the fact of being such an idiot. And all of a sudden he appeared.


-Bon soir!
He greeted. It was him! This time it was really him. Who might have said that it’d be the modern technology who would bring my vintage love back to me?



- I am not in France. So you know.
- Lo sé, Erick ¿Cómo estás?
- Borracho, confundido y muerto de sueño.
- Te extraño.



And so it was. The words I expected to hear for months from the person I was expecting to hear them, but I could feel nothing. Not because I did not love him anymore, but because I felt so confused, so absent-minded. I logged off, turned off my computer and went to bed. I didn’t sleep that night.


I got up around six in the morning. I went straight to the kitchen and prepared myself a cup of tea. It was still dark. I look through the window, the mist had taken over Galway as if it was planning to take over my heart as well. –How fool I am. I thought. I sat down in the sofa and thought about one of the past episodes of my life.


- ¿Lo prometiste?
- Prometí que lo pensaría, Erick, y así lo hice.
- ¿Qué más quieres de mí, Toño?
- No lo sé, aún no sé qué quiero. Necesito más tiempo.
- ¿Necesitas más tiempo para decidir la manera más sutil de dejarme?
- ¡Es que no quiero dejarte, maldita sea!
- Pero tampoco quieres dejarlo a él. (Le grité de repente, él sólo me miró).


I silently cried my heart out one last time, or so I thought. My tea was already cold. I stood up and put the cup on the table, the door opened. It was Michael, another roommate. I had never spoken to him before because he was really serious and he didn’t seem interested in getting to know the people he shared the apartment with. He always woke up earlier than us, so he could have breakfast alone and get ready to go swimming.


- Hi
- Hey, Michael! Good Morning!
- Yeah, right. What are you doing so early?
- I don’t know, really.
- Oh, well, It’s going to be a foggy day, it seems.
- Yes , It might. I am going for a walk.
- Are you crazy?! It’s freaking cold outside.
- Is it? Well, I’ll check it out myself.
- Are you ok?
- Yes, I just need to walk for a while and refresh my mind.
- Wait! I coming with you.


Michael and I walked along the river for a huge while, we arrived to a very old castle, I had never seen it before, maybe because it was hidden by the forest growing around it. We talked about nothing. We didn’t really have anything in common, but the strange feeling of being alone. I took out my struggled package of cigarettes, I lit one and breathed out the smoke as a sigh of relief.


Michael started a casual conversation; he seemed to know a lot about history and that stuff I was not into. He was German by his father’s side and French by his mother’s. His English was quite funny but his knowledge of the language was amazing. He talked about France as if it was the best country in the whole world. He spoke so enthusiastically about it that I, for the first time in my life, was longing for visiting. We went back to the apartment and for the first time we had break-fast together.


I was so excited about the idea of visiting Paris that I could not wait to go and buy a ticket. I would spend December surrounded by the air where love was supposed to be. I would run away from love, deceive and bit of guilt, that is to say, away from myself, Toño and Darren.