I'm undecided about you again... Mightn't be right that you're not here, but it's double-sided 'cause I ruined it all...

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk when I was just about settled.

You spend so much time afterwords trying to figure out what it is you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood (and I'm just paraphrasing here).

It has to be over, but it can't-
I guess I can't be your friend.

Not when it means these many doubts and guessing around and whatifs and ignoring each other and whatnot.

Your neck didn't smell right. His did. But that doesn't matter because you loved me, and I cared.
Or was I cheating on you?

I just doubt... all the time.
'Cause I'm so fat.
Nobody can love me if I'm so fat. They say it shouldn't be a problem, but it is, they can't see. They can't see how much I care now, how worried I am.
And also, they can't see how that affects everything I do around other people- I feel like I have to act, not be. Or I could just be, and end up as lonely as I am. No thanks.

But you saw through me, I guess. Warm sea, see right to the bottom. The only thing you missed was my intentions, only because you didn't want to see. I didn't want to play a game, but I ended up playing nonetheless. And I freaked out. And I'm sorry. And I wanna apologize. And ask and tell. Maybe we could start over. Only this time I'm afraid you won't like me, and I'm afraid I won't want to play (and I'll stay firm on it).

I just succumb to love. And who wouldn't, right? Especially being this fat and unloved already. We get desperate- we try hard and nobody appreciates it but our moms.
Our moms who'll still love us even if they hate us, whatever we do, no matter how bad we screw up. That's what they're mothers for.

And who could like me? I'm twice my size.
And depressed.
Confused.
Unwilling.
Hysterical.

I don't feel like living. It's something I can't explain. It's like I want to, but I don't feel powerful enough.

You could have helped me. You gave me power.
Only I was afraid, and I screwed up.
Ran away.

It was all your fault, an year ago.
And it was all your fault, a few months ago.
And it still is all your fault right now, 'cause because of you I'm wondering why the whole time, and reliving it all in my head. Because it was nice, it was all perfect and the situations were lovely.
I just reacted the wrong way.
I was wrong. Surprise, surprise.

I can't fix this, I can't be thin or get beautiful.

Because I can't fix this.