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Collection #15




The people I knew are not here anymore. The man I was supposed to be, the song that I was supposed to sing. My throat slashed, a sea of clams. A sea, black. A coast, frozen.


Where is the pier? Where are the docks? There's just this multitude of forms, of fingers trailing through the sand, hoping to find salt or some forgotten ancient idol to hold on to. I'll drown if I move forward through the foam.


A shrill scream. A trembling fist. Someone, a distended shape, stands alone under a blinking streetlight. Mirrors are not my friends.
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A wall of Eyes. Only sight, no hearing, no smelling, no tasting, no feeling. Everything comes in through the eyes, nothing ever comes out.


A wall of Ice. A barrier, forever upheld by constraints made out of mirages and heat long gone. Cold enough to keep, not to melt. Cold enough to numb the pain.


Miro al cielo cada mañana, antes del castigo. Me pregunto cuándo acabará este año eterno. Este año cero. Asumiendo que viviré cien años, ya he gastado el 25 por ciento. Invertido o derrochado, nadie está en lo cierto.

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Rumbling in the deep, comes the Need.Tumbling off heights only imagined, only to fade a moment since. There's no stopping it, no holding it off once it's here.


Hate and Pleasure. Rationalization of humiliation, followed by substantiation of vices and greeds. Little games for little men, little debaucheries for hungry little pigs, little everything, this and that and he and her and them.

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Rambling is a sign of dementia, claim the books.


Thus, rambling is not good for this old man, this apparatus of age.

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I am a Dam. Behind me, the ocean. Before me, the rainforest set ablaze.


Selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish concrete and steel. Pain-filled and slothful, this wall shall never crack.

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Es como si la muerte fuera algo dulce, que no lo es. Es como si la paz fuera este derrotismo callado, esta resignación eterna y este dolor inasible.


Es como si los adjetivos pudieran explicarle algo a alguien. Pequeños espejos, apenas lo suficiente para ver la herida, pero no la salida.


Es como si hurgar y sacar y sacar y sacar pudiera revelar algún tesoro maravilloso. Algo más que solo entrañas y sangre y bilis podrida.

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Soy un firme creyente en mi inutileza.
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Fue como un relámpago y, como los relámpagos solían hacer frecuentemente en su pueblo, se llevó las luces con él. Luego vino el dolor y la vergüenza.


Los gritos no los escuchó, las lágrimas tronaban en sus mejillas. Sentía los dientes marcados dentro de la boca y un sabor a sangre que mareaba. Hubo una pregunta. La respuesta no fue lo suficientemente rápida. O quizá, lo suficientemente lenta.


El segundo no se llevó las luces pero sí al menos un diente. El sabor a sangre punzante, puja y puja y puja y solo consigue empujar lágrimas.



Tu alma no tiene valor, tu corazón no tiene dolor, tus manos son débiles y suaves. Nunca serás un hombre.

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So this is it, huh?


So this is the place, and the manner, and the way, and the modus operandi?


So this is to be my body, forevermore? Conserved in colors and plastic imprinted, nothing but a tragic footnote in a tragically irrelevant family's collections of anecdotes?

So is this to be me?



No No No No No No No No No No


We come back to repetition but that is the only way to mastery.







Negaré tanto al mundo tanto como me sea posible, tanto así que el mundo se doblará a mis deseos.


Y si yo soy más débil que el mundo pues no hay lío, péguenme un tiro en la nuca y plántenme en una colina anónima.



No. ¿Si no puedes vencerlos, únete a ellos? A la mierda con eso. Que mis cenizas sean esparcidas sobre una llamarada solar. Quiero flotar en la oscuridad y abrazar la entropía al final de todas las cosas. Quiero conocer el fin de todas las cosas.

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"Surely some disaster will descend and equalize us."


He sings the words but does not feel the music. It's as if there's something amiss, some vital organ missing. it's as if his earnest smile can never be more than a farce. He smiles, after the song is over, and all that he receives back is cold looks and disappointed advice.


"Somewhere along the way, I jumped from a sapphire bridge."


He writes and writes, trying to romanticize his failure. Trying to give an iota of importance to his life. He thrusts these things into the blue of the internet and hardly ever looks back. He knows. There's no worth in these disjointed thoughts. The rambling of an opera singer is still just rambling.


"I fell into the Mariana, I was a mirror for the land."


And so he throws himself to his work. Work that he needs, that his loved ones need, work that he never asked for. He works and it saps his life away. He works and his friends all move on without him. He works and works and works and at the end there is nothing to show for it.


"And back in my hometown, I remember girls whose bodies I adored."


And so the frost bites. And so the brightness in the eyes turns to tired shine. He tries to shine, to brim with potent fire, but he is all ashes. Fire cannot be brought forth from him, even with the warmth of setting and rising stars. He heads home, head hunched, saying to himself that he walks away to avoid hurting anyone else.


"What a strange, strange world we live in, those who don't have lose, those who got get given more."


Hate is just love, left out to waste and rot. And, oh, if it wasn't love he had to give. If it wasn't smiles and hope he wanted to portray. If it wasn't warmth and hugs and help he threw all around him. But with every step, with every act of selfishness, with every kindness unanswered there was a cost.


"And I am hardcore, but I'm not that hardcore."


¿So what now? He poses the question to himself. He feels the claws of time, the eternal enemy, close all around him. Impatient but lazy, hateful in spite of his kind demeanor, cynical even against all his hope. Deilost is me. I am Deilost. And that's, perhaps, why I'm terrified to write his story. Because maybe, just maybe, once I put pen to page, he will abandon me like the rest.


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Texto agregado el 13-08-2020, y leído por 66 visitantes. (0 votos)


Lectores Opinan
13-08-2020 Genial. Buen Ritmo. Aaavedemetal
 
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